When I think of the meaning of hope, I believe it is one of the strongest words in the English language. It may not carry the same weight as words like lie, love, or betrayal, but in terms of the value it holds when possessed—and maybe even more powerfully, what it means to lose it—hope has a profound impact. It can keep us pushing beyond what we believe is possible and it can also collapse the world around us. It can be the difference between waking up another day, or imploding under years of built up pressure and fatigue. Unless a person has lived through Independent Thinker Phenomenon it’s almost impossible to understand. It distorts reality, makes the unimaginable something to face everyday.
People have told me for years, “Don’t give up hope.” They’ve encouraged me to keep fighting for what’s right. To keep telling my story, and to trust that someday the kids will see the truth. They say that as they grow up and develop minds of their own, they’ll remember the magical moments. They’ll recall what they know to be true because they lived it. In time, they’ll see past the broken lens of lies and manipulation and find their way back to truth.
At this point, I’m not so sure. Hence, the title of this post. I’m not giving up on trying, but I’m struggling with whether or not I’ve lost hope. Part of me knows that if I do, it will break me—so maybe I just don’t admit it to myself. I hope they find their way to their truth for more than healthy relationships between us, but for a healthy relationship with themselves and their own emotional wellbeing.
Above is one of many montages I created for photobooks. The dog is Grace. She never left my side, but she was the girls’ pet so she stayed with them after divorce. My ex gave her away after our divorce, and told my daughter to tell me that Grace had died. Let that sink in. The same holds true for my kids. Life was perfect, we did the things that kids remember for the rest of their lives. At least until they fell victim of independent thinker phenomenon. I actually just leared about this recently. At least . Now they remembe none of the magic and they only know what they’ve been told to believe.
My kids have been robbed of their childhood, robbed of a relationship with both of their parents. The trauma associated will likely be handed down to their kids someday unless something is done to help prevent it from happening as easily as it happens today because of the broken family court systems.
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